Disputing Your Irrational Thoughts

That *** makes me so mad!!

It feels as if ***'s behaviour instantaneously makes us angry, but really it is our own thinking that is making us that way. When we tell our subconscious, "*** should listen to me," when clearly *** is not listening to you, your subconscious will get very angry or anxious because it believes exactly what you're telling it.

But in your conscious mind, you know that other people don't often do what you think they should or shouldn't. It would be nice (but a little crazy) if everybody behaved exactly as you think they should.

In fact, you don't even behave as you think you should behave sometimes.

How often have you told yourself you should or shouldn’t do something, and then just ignored your own advice? It’s more rational to recognize that, although you would rather other people behave as you’d prefer, getting angry and frustrated about it is like getting angry with the weather. The following chart outlines popular Irrational Thoughts and the corresponding Rational Disputes that will give you more power.

You can use the chart below to reduce your stress about a situation that has caused you trouble in the past and that you anticipate may happen again.

Imagine you are in the middle of the situation again, for example – missing a deadline with your boss. Enter that as A, the Activating Event. Then, continue to imagine yourself in the middle of the situation, and record the different strong, unpleasant feelings under C, Consequences. Choose one of the strongest, most unpleasant feelings. Visualize yourself in the middle of the situation, feeling that feeling, and record the exact words you were probably saying to yourself at the time. For example,” My boss will be really angry with me.” Record your words under B. Then say to yourself, “If she is really angry with me, that means _____” and record the words that next come to mind. If _____, that means _____ - until you find yourself writing down an irrational thought (as described above). Then choose a Dispute that makes sense to you and record it under D, Dispute. Whenever you start getting uncomfortable about the issue, say the Dispute firmly to yourself as often as you need to until you feel strong enough to handle it differently.

The next time that situation arises, and you begin to feel those strong, uncomfortable feelings, say the Dispute to yourself several times and notice how your feelings change.

As you practice Rational Thinking, you will find that you can turn difficult situations into interesting challenges and even opportunities for growth. Listen to your thoughts, identify when they’re becoming irrational, and figure out a rational dispute.

photo by peretzp/Flickr

Mistakes were Made (but not by me)

This is the title of an excellent book by Carol Travis and Elliot Aronson which I highly recommend you read. But until you get the time to do that, here are some ways to get the most value out of your mistakes and those of the people you work and live with.

DO understand that recovering a memory is not at all like retrieving a file or replaying a tape. It is more like watching a few unconnected frames of a film and then figuring out what the rest of the scene must have been like.

DO recognize that we have to struggle with the automatic belief that I’m right, so you’re wrong; I’m reasonable, you’re not, I/we are right, reasonable, sensible, logical, tolerant, well informed, objective, and you/they are not.

DO admit to yourself that just as you have a perfectly good, sensible reason for thinking and behaving the way you do, every other person you deal with has just as good, but probably different way of thinking and doing what they are doing. It makes perfect sense to them.

DO comprehend that we have an in-built, self-justification system. Our need to justify our own beliefs and actions is so strong that we can knowingly lie to ourselves, but if we repeat the lie often enough, we will finish up believing our own lies.

DO take the time to think about the most harmful consequences of self-justification: how it exacerbates prejudice and corruption, distorts memory, turns professional confidence into arrogance, creates and perpetuates injustice, warps love, and generates feuds and rifts.

DON'T be fearful of making mistakes or at least of other people finding out that we made mistakes.  We all agree that we have learned most from our mistakes. Our experience also shows us that if we want to learn something, the fastest and most thorough way is to obtain some basic guidelines, and then start doing it. Treat mistakes as a learning opportunity, analyze to discover what needs to change, make the change and keep going.

DON'T just hurry to fix mistakes. Take the time to de-brief together about what happened: how did we each contribute to what happened and what can we do differently to reduce the chances of that happening again?

DON'T try to find someone to blame for a mistake. That leads to resistance and resentment and discourages better solutions. Take an appreciative inquiry approach: what worked well and how can we make it work better?

DO value the many different points of view that you have around the table. Understand that because of our culture, we are all uncomfortable having our weaknesses or mistakes pointed out, but we need to do that with and for each other. As we do it, we will become less uncomfortable giving and receiving critical feedback and we will become much stronger as a team.

I’m Right, You’re Wrong

“I’m right - you’re wrong!”

Although we would rarely, if ever, make that bold statement out loud, we often act as if we believe that our interpretation of a situation is the “correct” or only possible interpretation. This thinking pattern can lead to misunderstanding, frustration, conflict, and stress.

The important thing to understand is that the more firmly you believe that your interpretation of a situation is the “right” one, the more likely it is that you are going to be in conflict with other people.

The cost of misunderstanding is enormous.
It annoys our customers, it upsets our colleagues, it disappoints our bosses, and it can enrage our family members. But the good news is that there is a lot we can do about it, as long as we appreciate that learning to avoid damaging conflicts starts with understanding ourselves and our thought process.

Each of us interprets events through the filter of our previous life experiences.
As The Talmud says, “We don’t see the world as it is; we see it as we are.” When we encounter somebody who sees the world differently, rather than thinking, “Oh, that’s interesting, tell me more about how you see it,” we are more likely to advocate for our own interpretation. Instead of listening to understand, we listen to defend or to advocate. So the other person starts to do the same thing. Once we are at loggerheads and getting nowhere, we may damage the relationship and miss the opportunity to learn and grow.

Try to be less judgmental with other people.
Listen to what they have to say, be present, be mindful, and be prepared to understand something from the other person’s point of view. This does not mean you need to agree with the different point of view, just appreciate that it is different and take time to explore it. Demonstrate to the other person that you are really trying to understand their side first. Summarize back to them what you have understood and ask if you have “got it”. Then you will find that the other person is much more prepared to listen to you.

Once we can listen without judging what is right or wrong, we can begin to work on discovering creative possibilities within the reality that we do share - instead of frittering away energy and good will trying to make other people’s reality match our own. That’s never going to happen.